18 posts tagged “humour”

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I received this in an email this morning:

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
 
 
1        Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2        hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3        wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4        thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5        finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6        measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7        breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8        vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9        knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10      classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11      dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13      executed as soon as possible.
 
 
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Illustration: Cathy Wilcox  from SMH Article

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Cat's son came back - again...  it's a bit like that rhyme about the Cat coming back no matter what you do to it. 

Lloyd and his friend were going to the opening game of the Wizards (basketball) tonight so an early dinner was needed and he decided to get fish and chips from our local fish shop.  Based on his previous visits here he was expecting to be accosted by the homeless or drug dealers but instead he was approached by a transvestite in the fish shop. 
"She" asked him "has anyone ever told you that you are very handsome"...     being ever polite he responded "uh, no, but thank you"   as he thought about the incongruity of where his aunt lives!

The manservant is waiting up for them to get home from the game.  The same poor manservant will also be up before 5am tomorrow to let them out of the house for the Super Shuttle pick up to the airport.

Thank goodness my foot is not well enough!

`

I received this in an email today:   

``

The manservant called me at work:   "There's a possum on our top deck".

Me:  "Wow, get my camera and take photos....."

Somehow between the time he took the photos, and the time I downloaded them,  the possum turned into a raccoon!!

Obviously taking care of me is taking its toll! 

 

to drive a taxi? 

My driver this morning looked quite elderly.   When I got in the cab I told him the exact route I wanted to take.  As we got close to the first street I wanted to turn down I mentioned that it was coming up because it does not have a sign on it .. -  

He responded "you told me the name of the street, so I know.  You'll stress me if you keep repeating streets.  Turn here, turn there.  It makes me nervous!  I'm old you know".

Well, yes I could see he was old but good manners prevented me from agreeing, so I laughed and said, with a flip of the wrist -  "oh, you're not old".

"oh yes, I'm about to be 72".  

Now while 72 is not "that" old  and I am happy to ride in a car with my 75 year old mother driving, she is not driving in a professional capacity.  This guy drove faster than some of my younger drivers but his reflex reactions were slower!   

My driver then told me that he was driving buses in my area during the Martin Luther King riots in 1968. Now those were scary days!   It therefore surprised me that little old me, with an air-boot on my leg and crutches made him nervous!

`
I live in a tragi-comedy.  Yesterday afternoon, as I was hobbling on my crutches,  along the footpath towards my front steps, I was forced to "step" out of the way of a weaving drunk man.  Before I realised it, I had apologised for being in his way.   He took a huge faltering step towards me and asked if I needed help.

"No, I'm fine.  I'm pretty good on these" (indicating the crutches).

Slurring, he says "Here I can help you"

No, I'm right thank you, I respond a little more firmly.

He stumbles about 5 steps from me, unzips and proceeds to urinate on my neighbours front path!

*******

This morning I decided that grey hair is not for me yet - especially now that  I am a bit more mobile.

On my taxi rides to work I had noticed a nice looking place about 4 blocks from here.  This morning I rang them......  

Hello,  can I make an appointment for next Saturday to have highlights done.
I'm not here next Saturday.
Oh -  is the salon closed?
No - It's open but I'm not here.
Oh - well can I make an appointment with someone else?
Call back on Tuesday.
Me (confused) - can't I make an appointment today for next Saturday with just anyone?
Ask her when you call on Tuesday.

WTF?  I'm trying to be supportive of my local business but really this just makes me really suss about the whole place.  Maybe it is a front!

*************

I went down the deck steps into our little courtyard this morning for the first time in 6 weeks.  The roses are still blooming and I wanted to take some photos of them.  As I'm happily clicking away I notice a guy appear in the alley and start to urinate on a garage door across from us.  He sees me and starts shouting out "sorry lady,  sorry lady"  as he finishes and packs himself away.

******

Drug deals,  public urination and a business that doesn't want my business  - I've got it all.  Oh, but I do have some nice roses!!

   

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I am so glad it is Friday.   About the only good thing I can say about this week is that the state of my foot has kept my mind off the state of the economy. 

This came in an email today ....   if only wine came in aluminium!

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Got this in an email .....  I would substitute the Oreos with Aussie Tim Tams ...

 

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could

   all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice

   heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil

   proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things

   you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house

   to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving

   the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a

   bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my

   old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and 

   a  box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.

 

 

 

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What a terrible night's sleep I had last night.  The clunky piece of wood-foot, which is now nailed onto my twig-leg, did not like its freedom from the cast.  I could not get it comfortable.  It does not "bend" at the ankle so it won't "flop" comfortably.

When the cast came off yesterday my leg reminded me of this landscape.  It was dirty, arid, scaley and had a zig-zag scar through it! 

I took this photo at Haleakala on the island of Maui.